Unhealed Triggers, Why They Keep Us Stuck, and How to Begin to Heal Them (Without Losing Your Mind or Your Favorite People)

Let’s get one thing straight: trauma isn’t just something that happened back then. It has a sneaky way of tagging along into today, like glitter from a kid’s craft project. You think you’ve cleaned it all up, but nope, there it is again, showing up in your marriage, your parenting, your meeting, or your group text.

Unhealed trauma doesn’t live in your past. It lives in your nervous system. It leaks into how you communicate, how you connect, how you shut down during conflict, and why your heart starts racing when someone raises their eyebrow at you during a conversation. That reaction? Not random. It's your brain doing exactly what it was trained to do, keep you alive.

So yes, snapping at your spouse for forgetting to take out the trash (again) or spiraling because your friend didn’t text you back fast enough might feel like a current issue. But often, it’s yesterday’s pain wearing today’s clothes.

Here’s the thing: those survival behaviors, going silent, people-pleasing, bracing for rejection, overexplaining your emotions to death, at one time worked. They kept you safe. But now? They’re like an overprotective chihuahua barking at every leaf that moves. Loud, persistent, and not super helpful.

Let’s Talk About Triggers (AKA Emotional Booby Traps)

Triggers are those moments when something seemingly small flips a big switch. You’re having a normal day, and then boom: your teenager rolls their eyes, your boss uses that tone, or your spouse says, “Can we talk later?” and suddenly your body is yelling, “ABANDONMENT ALERT!”

Your chest tightens. Your fists clench. Your stomach drops like you just missed a step going downstairs. Your logical brain leaves the chat, and your inner 8-year-old is now driving the bus. And she’s got some feelings about this!

It’s not because you’re broken. It’s because your brain thinks you’re back in danger. It doesn’t know the difference between then and now, unless you tell it.  Let me say that in a different way; 
This. Isn’t. A. Sign. That. Something’s. Wrong. With You.  

Your brain is just doing its job a little too well, it's confusing the past with the present because in trigger mode, it only knows about the unhealed pain that was caused and its primary objective is to protect you.  It’s reacting to old danger as if it’s happening right now, and it needs your help to realize you’re safe.  It needs a gentle reminder that you’re not in that old story anymore.  We need to re-wire our brain to recognize in real time when we're triggered and that we're sensing a potential and familiar old threat, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's true or really happening.   

So How Do We Heal? (Without Losing Hope… or Our Friends?)

Here’s a real-world path forward. Not a magic fix, but real steps that can rewire the brain and bring your heart home:

Recognize Your Triggers (Name the Beast)

Start a Trigger Tracker. Keep a small journal or note on your phone. Every time you feel a big emotional reaction, anger, panic, shame, defensiveness, pause and jot this down:

• What just happened?

• Who was involved?

• What did you feel in your body? (Neck tight like piano wire? Stomach dropped like bad guac? Sweaty armpits out of nowhere?)

You’re looking for patterns. Is it always when someone interrupts you? When you feel unseen or out of control? When someone critiques you, even gently, or calls you a name in jest?

Example: You’re in a staff meeting, and someone challenges your idea. You smile and nod, but inside you're fantasizing about deleting your entire resume and becoming a goat farmer. That’s a clue, friend.  (Hey, I'm a fan of goats so let me know if you actually do this because if it turns out that’s what you really want to do, I want to come visit!)

Ask What You’re Trying to Survive

Behind every trigger is a story. A time you were dismissed, criticized, or left to deal with something alone. Maybe no one ever explained how to handle conflict, so now every disagreement feels like rejection, honest feedback feels like an attack or maybe love meant walking on eggshells growing up, so now you freeze when someone’s even a little frustrated.

Ask yourself:

• “What does this reaction remind me of?”

• “When did I first feel like this?”

• “What pain is this protecting me from?”

It’s not weakness. It’s survival strategy. But you’re not there anymore. You’re here now. And you get to write a new story.

Regulate Before You Relate

Here’s your golden rule-I'm serious, this is a good one: Don’t respond while triggered. Pause. Breathe. Don’t text. Don’t post. Don’t start a passionate monologue to your spouse while your jaw is clenched.

Try this:

• Box breathing (4-in, 4-hold, 4-out, 4-hold)

• Feel your feet on the floor

• Repeat: “I’m safe. I’m loved. This is not the past.”

• Hold something comforting, a soft blanket, a warm mug, even your own hand (yes, you can hold your own hand, Jesus does it all the time)

Rewrite the Inner Narrative

Triggers are often tied to lies we didn’t mean to believe:

• “I’m too much.”

• “I’m not enough.”

• “People always leave.”

• “It’s not safe to be seen.”

Now, let’s replace them:

• “I am learning to trust the safety of connection.”

• “My voice matters.”

• “It’s okay to take up space.”

• “I am healing. That counts.”

Write these down. Say them often. Preach them to yourself in the car like you’re your own revival speaker (I like to think I'm my own best cheerleader these days!). 

Practice New, Healthier Responses (Tiny Braver Steps)

Healing doesn’t mean never getting triggered. It means learning to catch yourself, pause, and choose differently.

Try this instead of your usual shutdown, sarcasm, or emotional drive-by shooting:

• “Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we slow this conversation down?”

• “I notice I’m getting defensive. Can we take a five-minute breather?”

• “That brought up something tender. I just need a moment to process.”

• "I'm not sure how I'm feeling about this, but I need to step back for a bit because I want to respond well.  I would like to talk about this when I'm feeling better, ok?"

Will it feel awkward at first? Like wearing someone else’s shoes? Yep. But over time, it will start to feel like freedom. 

Don’t Heal Alone

You don’t need to go full monk in the mountains to find peace. Grab a friend. A spiritual director. A therapist. A small group of safe people who can reflect back the truth when your mind’s spinning lies. ("Hey ladies, I’m feeling like I’m one awkward group text away from quitting everything and joining a silent monastery, someone remind me I’m not crazy and that I'm loved and not actually a disaster, please and thank you -and if you're nearby please hand me a tasty snack.”)  

Healing happens in the context of relationship. Just like the wound was made in relationship, so is the repair.

(Bonus and Vital!) Invite Jesus into the Trigger

Before you white-knuckle your way through another emotional spiral, remember this: You don’t have to do this alone. Jesus is not standing off to the side waiting for you to “fix it” and then come back to Him with a shiny testimony. He’s right there in the moment, ready to sit with you in the mess, the memory, and the meltdown.

Here’s how you can actually invite Him in when you're triggered (even if you're halfway through the ice cream tub or rage-texting in your Notes app):

Breathe and Whisper: “Jesus, I’m triggered. I don’t want to run, hide, or blow up. Be here with me in this.”

Get Curious with Him: Ask: “Lord, what am I really feeling right now? What does this remind me of? Where are You in this moment?”

(And if you’re met with silence, don’t panic. He’s still there. Sometimes He shows up as peace instead of paragraphs.)

Picture Him With You: Imagine Jesus sitting next to you, kind eyes, no judgment, just presence. Maybe He’s offering you a blanket and a snack. Maybe He’s just putting His hand on your heart, whispering, “You’re safe now.”

Let Him Speak a Better Word: Ask: “Jesus, what’s the truth You want me to know right now?”

That truth might be: You’re not alone. You are loved. You’re not too much. I’m with you in this.

Let His voice interrupt the lies and soothe the survival brain. He’s not in a rush, He’s in relationship.

Adding this sacred pause to your trigger response doesn’t just bring comfort. It builds trust, rewires your brain, and anchors your healing in the safest presence of all: the One who knows your whole story and isn’t going anywhere.

The Beautiful Fruit of Healing Triggers:

• More Safety in Relationships
  You’re no longer emotionally side-swiped every other conversation.

• Deeper Connection
  You stop protecting yourself from the very intimacy you crave.

• Self-Compassion
  You see your messiness not as failure, but as your humanity being loved back to life.

• Freedom to Choose
  You don’t repeat old patterns on autopilot. You get to decide who you want to be.

Healing won’t always be linear. But every time you notice, pause, breathe, and respond differently, you’re breaking the cycle. You’re creating new grooves in your brain and new grace in your relationships.

So next time a trigger shows up uninvited, try this: smile gently, breathe deeply, and say, “I see you. But I’m not going backward today.”

You’re not stuck. You’re learning, re-wiring old stuff that has served you well (until now, that is) and you're healing. And that, dear friend, is holy ground.

So for you and your healing journey. (Oh, thank you and g’bye triggers...)

Peace, love, and joy...

Rebecca Jo