When You Were the Grown-Up Too Soon, Healing from Parentification

Have you ever looked back at your childhood and realized you were doing way more than a kid should have? Maybe you were the one comforting your parent after their emotional meltdowns, wiping their tears or calming their anger. Maybe you had to take care of your siblings, making meals, cleaning the house, or even mediating arguments between adults.

Or maybe you managed adult responsibilities that left you feeling older than your years—paying bills, explaining family decisions, or being the one to “keep it all together” when everyone else fell apart. You might have felt proud of being the responsible one, but underneath that strength was a little girl just trying to survive.

When a child  takes on adult roles too early or is expected to, emotionally, practically, or both, it’s called parentification. And it sticks with you.

Even now, you might find it hard to relax. You may feel guilty when you rest, as if your worth is tied to how much you do for others. You might struggle to ask for help, or find it impossible to even believe you’re allowed to. You may say “yes” to every request, even when your soul is crying out for rest, because the thought of disappointing someone feels unbearable.

As an adult who was parentified, you might be the friend everyone leans on, the coworker who picks up the slack, the spouse who manages the emotional climate of the household. You might notice a constant undercurrent of anxiety, the sense that if you stop, everything will fall apart. You might find it hard to trust others to handle things, so you over function, micromanage, or even withdraw to protect yourself from feeling too much responsibility.

Emotionally, you might have a hard time identifying your own needs, because you’ve spent so long tending to the needs of everyone else. When someone asks how you’re doing, you might automatically say “I’m fine,” even when you’re exhausted or hurting. You might feel lonely in relationships, craving deep connection but struggling to believe you deserve it.

If this sounds familiar, please hear this: it was never supposed to be your job when you were young to grow up so soon and take care of your own parents. You were never meant to carry that weight. God created you to be a child before you became an adult, to learn what it means to receive care before giving it away. And even now, it’s not too late to begin that healing journey.  It’s critically important to learn to receive and also to be able to ask for what you need and not feel guilty about it or that you don’t deserve it or that you will owe someone. 

Healing from parentification involves recognizing the burden you carried and grieving what you missed. It means learning to let yourself be human, with needs, limits, and emotions that matter. It means practicing asking for help and letting others in. It means giving yourself permission to rest without guilt, to set boundaries without apology, and to believe that your worth is not measured by how well you hold everyone else together or how well you make things look from the outside looking in.

You are not selfish for wanting to heal. You are brave. And you are not alone. There is a place for you to lay that weight down, to be nurtured, and to find rest in the love of God and the safety of healthy relationships. You deserve to be cared for, too.

How to Know if You Were Parentified

Here are some signs you might have been the one “doing too much, too soon”:

• You were your parent’s emotional support system

• You felt responsible for keeping peace at home

• You took care of siblings like a second parent

• You felt more like the adult in the house

• You often pushed down your own feelings and needs so you didn't cause tension

• You took responsibility of caring for may of the home and daily house tasks

• You struggle today with burnout, people-pleasing, or guilt when you say no

Parentification often comes from brokenness in our families. A parent might have been overwhelmed, emotionally immature, or going through their own trauma. But no matter the reason, you were still a child who needed love and care, you were not meant to be the caregiver.

Healing Starts with Naming It

If you’ve never had the chance to say it out loud, let this be your moment: I was the child, and it wasn’t my job to be the adult.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen. Here are a few gentle steps to begin your journey back to wholeness:

Start by telling the truth
Admitting what happened can be hard, especially when you love the people who made you grow up too fast. But being honest about your story is the first step toward healing.

Ask yourself what you need
This can feel weird at first. You’re probably used to focusing on everyone else. But try checking in with yourself: What do I feel right now? What do I want? What would comfort me?

Be the safe parent you never had
This is called “reparenting.” It's about learning to nurture your own heart with kindness, patience, and love. Picture yourself as a little girl and speak to her like you would your own daughter.

Set boundaries without guilt
You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to protect your peace. Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away,  they’re about finally making space for your own healing.

Let yourself be cared for
You don’t have to do it all. Not anymore. Let trusted friends in. Let God in. Let yourself be held. That brave, tired little girl in you is finally allowed to breathe.

You Can Breathe Now

You’ve been carrying a lot for a long time. But you don’t have to stay stuck in survival mode. That strong, capable woman you are today? She doesn’t need to prove anything to be loved. She’s allowed to rest. To feel. To receive.

And most of all, she’s allowed to heal.

You were never meant to carry it all alone. Let yourself lay it down.

You're not too much. You’re not broken.
You're just finally coming home to yourself.

Faith-Based Books for Healing from Parentification and Childhood Wounds

These books combine psychological insight with a deeply rooted Christian worldview. They speak to the emotional pain many women carry while pointing to healing through Jesus, Scripture, and safe relationships.

• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
  This Christian classic helps you understand where your responsibilities end and others’ begin. Especially helpful if you were taught (directly or indirectly) that love means over-giving.

• The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan Allender
  Written for survivors of childhood trauma and abuse, this book walks with you through grief, anger, and healing with deep biblical compassion.

• Strong Like Water by Aundi Kolber
  A gentle, trauma-informed Christian therapist’s guide to healing. Aundi writes beautifully about the strength that comes from softness, regulation, and letting God into our healing.

• Try Softer by Aundi Kolber
  Ideal for women who have lived in “survival mode.” A beautiful invitation to stop striving and learn how to be gentle with your story and body, while staying anchored in Christ.

• Soul Care by Dr. Rob Reimer
  A pastoral and practical guide that helps you go deep into the roots of your emotional and spiritual struggles , including childhood wounds,  with the goal of lasting freedom.

• Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
  Perfect for women who struggle to trust or who have been in unhealthy relationships. Helps you identify what safe relationships actually look like,  and how to pursue them with wisdom and hope. 

Healing from parentification is not about erasing the past, but about giving yourself the care you always deserved. It’s a journey of learning to let that younger girl inside you rest easy, to remind her that she doesn’t have to carry it all anymore. You are allowed to ask for help. You are allowed to feel joy. You are allowed to put the weight down and breathe and discover the joys of your heart and what makes you feel most like yourself and at home in your own body.

As you walk this road, remember that healing takes time, and it’s okay to be gentle with yourself along the way. God delights in your restoration, and He invites you to let Him carry what you were never meant to hold. You are not alone in this. Let His love, and the love of those who truly see you, remind you that you are precious—not because of what you do, but because of who you are. Let that girl inside you rest easy tonight, knowing she is safe, loved, and finally free.

So for you and your healing journey. 

Peace, love, and joy,

Rebecca Jo